Our Guide To
Having A
Politically Correct Christmas
If you follow this
simple 10 point plan - you can't go wrong this Christmas!
1.
Don’t ever refer to ‘Christmas’ as ‘Christmas’ – call it ‘a winter
festival’ or ‘the festive period’ at all times. The ‘C-word’ is
very offensive and can seriously upset some council officials.
2.
Don’t send Christmas cards to your friends and
family as this could offend them. If you have to send a card, make sure the
picture is not religious in any way and is not of Father Christmas or anything
else to do with Christmas. Also, ensure that the card says “Season’s
Greetings” and not the highly offensive term “Merry Christmas”.
3.
Don’t allow your children or grandchildren to go
into Santa’s den in a shopping centre for a present no matter how much they
beg and plead. You can tell them it is for their own good as Santa will be
a man and men can’t be trusted – ever!
4.
Don’t go to a pantomime – they are sexist and
homophobic and should be avoided at all costs. They are also a health and
safety risk as you could be hit by a flying sweet when the cast throws the
traditional bounty of confectionery into the audience.
5.
Don’t worry if your child or grandchild is not
in a nativity play – this is normal in this multi-faith age. If the
school does have a nativity play, don’t be too concerned either if the
characters are not quite as you had expected – snowpeople (yes – those well
known non gender-specific snow creations) have been know to take part in the
nativity scene itself right there after the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem. This is
not ‘ridiculous’, it is a very good example of the ‘inclusive modern
Britain’ in which we live.
6.
Don’t
play “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” as this is a highly racist
song.
7.
If
you end up singing Christmas carols (which is not advisable as they are far too
Christian for ‘the festive period’) be sure to sing “God Rest Ye Merry
Gentlepeople” so as not to upset women.
8.
Don’t film your children at their “festive
period” parties or when they are out ice-skating or opening their presents in
case the film or pictures fall into “the wrong hands”. It does not
matter if this means that you will not have captured those important memories
and that you cannot send the pictures to family who are not with you at this
special time. This is a very serious child protection issue and
grandparents, amongst others, cannot be trusted.
9.
Don’t
make your Christmas pudding the old fashioned way with a lucky sixpence in the
middle because if a member of your family or your visiting friends choke on it
they could sue you for a breach of health and safety regulations as the sixpence
would be deemed to be an “avoidable risk”.
10.
Don’t
give sexist presents to people – ties and socks are not exclusively male
present items and should be given to women too in this age of equality!
Click
below to see a picture of the article in Compass Magazine
Click below to see the article in Compass
Magazine in pdf format
