Fixed Web Pages


Victims of PC

Join/Donate


About Us


About PC

£1 Against PC

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman Jokes Special

Extracts from The Politically Correct Scrapbook

The One About The Son’s Name

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman who all met up for a reunion.

The Englishman was talking about his son and said, “He was born on St George’s Day so I called him George.” 

“That’s a coincidence”, said the Scotsman, “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day so I called him Andrew.” 

“I don’t believe this”, said the Irishman.  “This is such a fluke.  I have a son and I called him Pancake.”

The One About Joining The Police

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were all trying to join the police.  Having passed the written test they all arrive for their interviews and the Englishman goes first. 

The Chief of Police says, "I'm going to ask you one question.  If you get it right you can start straight away."

He says to the Englishman, "Can you tell me who killed Jesus Christ?". 

The Englishman replies, "That’s easy, Pontius Pilate."  The Police Chief tells him to see the sergeant who'll get him started on traffic duty straight away.

The Scotsman then goes in and is asked,  "Can you tell me who killed Jesus Christ?". 

"Pontius Pilate", replies the Scotsman and he too is sent off to see the sergeant to get him started.

Finally, the Irishman is asked, "Can you tell me who killed Jesus Christ?". 

The Irishman hesitates.  He thinks long and hard.  He then stands up and starts pacing the room trying to concentrate on the facts. 

Then he spots the Englishman and the Scotsman outside directing traffic and exclaims, "This is totally unfair!"

"Why?", asks the Police Chief.

The Irishman replies, “Well—because they’re directing traffic on their first day and I get a murder case to solve."

The One About The Advert

A Scotsman whose wife had just died wanted to place the least expensive death notice so he went to the newspaper office and asked them to put in an advert saying, "Janet has died".  

The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge but, for that charge, he could have up to six words.  So, the Scotsman added three more words and the advert read:  "Janet has died.  Toyota for sale."

The One About The Sandwiches 

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were working together on a building site. 

"Not blooming haggis again!", said the Scotsman, opening his lunch.  "Blooming haggis! Day in and day out. If I have haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I'll jump off this blooming building!"

The Englishman opened his lunch.  "Jam sandwiches again!”, he said, “If I get jam sandwiches again tomorrow, I'll jump off with you!"

The Irishman opened his lunch. "Cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese sandwiches again tomorrow, I'll jump too!"

The next day the three friends sat down for lunch. 

The Scotsman took one look at his sandwich and said, "Haggis again!" and jumped off the building.  

The Englishman opened his lunch and said, "Jam again!" and followed the Scotsman down. 

The Irishman peered into his lunchbox and said, "Cheese again!" and jumped after the other two. 

Being friends, there was a triple funeral.  The Scottish widow sobbed, "If only I'd known my husband hated haggis!"

The English widow cried, "If only I'd known that my husband hated jam!"

The Irish widow added, "Begosh, I just don’t understand it.  My husband always made his own sandwiches!"

The One About The Brain

An Englishman had a serious brain injury and was offered a revolutionary new brain transplant.  As it was not available on the NHS he had a choice of which brain to have.  The specialist told him that there was an Englishman’s brain which was £1,000 and a Scotsman’s brain which was £2,000. 

The Englishman thought long and hard and then saw another brain sitting in the corner. He asked what this brain was and the specialist told him that this would be way out of his league.  “But why?”, asked the Englishman.  “This brain is an Irishman’s brain and it costs £10,000”. 

“Why on earth is the Irishman’s brain so expensive”, asked the Englishman.  “Well”, said the specialist, “that’s because it has never been used!”.

The One About The Wife 

An Irishman had the flu.  

"Why don't you take the day off?", said one of his workmates.  

"But the boss wouldn't like it", said the Irishman, coughing and sneezing.  

"Don't worry, he's never here on Wednesdays anyway", said his workmate.  

So the Irishman took his friend's advice and went home.  

As he passed his bedroom window, he saw his boss in bed with his wife.  

He rushed back to the office and said to his mate, "That was a close one, to be sure - I nearly got caught!"

The One About The Desert Island

Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen and two Irishmen were stranded on a desert island.  It wasn't long before the two Scotsmen started a Caledonian Club and were playing bagpipes, tossing the caber and eating haggis.  The two Irishmen started a Ceilidh and downed a few pints of Guinness.  However, the two Englishmen went to opposite ends of the island and would not speak to each other because they had not  been properly introduced.

The One About The Crocodiles

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were trying to escape cannibals in Africa when they came to crocodile-infested water which they had no choice but to cross.  The Irishman went first and thrashed his way to the other side as quickly as he could but he got one arm bitten off by a crocodile.  The Scotsman went next and, although he was even quicker than the Irishman, he lost an arm and a leg to the crocodiles. 

The Englishman seemed quite unfazed by it all and nonchalantly sauntered up to the edge of the water, swam peacefully across at a slow pace and got out the other side without a single scratch.  Both the Scotsman and the Irishman looked at the Englishman in disbelief.  “How on earth did you manage that”, stuttered the Scotsman.  “Well”, said the Englishman, “I knew I was safe wearing this T-Shirt you leant me last week with the words, ’Scotland for the World Cup’ on the back—even the crocodiles wouldn’t swallow that!”

The One About Nature

A doctor was explaining to an Irishman how nature adjusted for some physical disabilities.

"For example", said the doctor, "if a man is blind he develops a keen sense of touch. If he is deaf, he develops his other senses."

"Oh, I know exactly what you mean", said the Irishman, "I've noticed that if a bloke has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer."

e-mail: Info@CAPC.co.uk
Address: Trevose House, Orsett Street, Kennington, London, SE11 5PN
Phone/Fax: 07092 040916

[ Up ] [ Ridiculous Political Correctness ] [ Damaging Political Correctness ] [ Jokes ]

© www.CAPC.co.uk